The Best of the Daily
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Ask Agrippa - Daily Trumpet
Edition 7
Dear Agrippa,
I'm in a terrible situation. I'm married to a Fighter and whilst everything is
domestically wonderful his recent incarnation as an artrell is proving somewhat
troublesome. Not only is the hard, shiny carapace somewhat unsettling but I find his
abundance of limbs deeply troubling. Please help,
A worried Warmage.
Dear Unappreciatative,
His abundance of limbs a problem? Are you out of your mind woman???? I'm pretty sure that
ol' Fighter boy could certainly find a few uses for those extra limbs. Most woman would
kill to have a husband with a few extra appendages (in fact, most woman would kill to have
a Fighter husband), but for some reason you see fit to moan. Listen here missy, get
yourself home, make him a good, hearty dinner, doll yourself up and then, only then, he
may actually think of staying with you, you unappreciative hag.
Agrippa.
Dear Agrippa,
I'm a disillusioned Cleric. I take great pleasure in recalling the days of yore when
Clerics walked proud across the land, heads held high, bristilling with divine might.
However, as of late our powers seem to have waned. I've tried making others more aware of
this fact through frequent communication on the Holy Board but this seems to just attract
divine wrath rather than aid. I'm at my wits end. Help!
A Cleric.
Dear Cleric,
Gods are big and mighty and can do whatever they want. Gods hear lots of requests from
little people. Gods listen patiently to those requests. When one little person keeps
making the same request over and over again Gods start to regret making that little
person. When Gods get like this they reach for their thunderbolts and start planning some
smiting. Be patient and shut up. Trust me.
Agrippa.
Dear Agrippa,
Recently I've found that I prefer the company of animals to that of the so-called
Intelligent races. Who do these bipedial supremacists think they are kidding? I know many
fine sheep who could quite easily outclass your average Giant or Half-Orc in a contest of
wits. Likewise, there are many charming young pigs out there with whom I would love to
share an ale with in Lars'. They are certainly far less self centered than most Elves. And
as for marriage, well, there's many a well endowed horse out there wh....
Dear <NAME DELETED FOR LEGAL
REASONS>
I'll cut this short; join the rangers
before you get yourself arrested....
Agrippa.
A Game of 2 Halves, 5 Legs, 3 arms, and 12 Heads -
by Midnight.
Due to the dramatic number of deaths as a result of the
monsters of Drakenwood and its surrounding areas, a few of the more active adventurers
decided to see if they were as good at football as they are at killing people. The
challenge was sent to Soulcrusher, via the Drakenwood sports council. In response, I was
assigned to referee the match. On the 12th of Lasbin, the Drakenwood arena was changed
into a football pitch and the stands were packed out.
The match began with a bang! That is, the bang of a
fireball placed in the home-team's changing room. Luckily no one was harmed in the blast,
but this got the Drakenwood Wanderers ready for the kick-off a little bit faster! Landing
in a 4-3-4 formation, the Captain of the team had this to say before the match:
"Ahh ummm '*cough* *cough* umm
erm that green substance coating my Dracon? Umm ermm ... its a sugar solution... yeh thats
what it is... brings me good luck, honest. Poison? Poison! Nonsense.... don't know
whatever gave you that idea...."
With a toss of a head, the away team kicked off.
Soulcrusher made a quick dash through the defences of the home team and scored the first
goal with only 1 minute on the clock. At 5 minutes the Wight made a run for goal, Valjean
intercepted with a fantastic sweep...with his Dracon, removing both legs of the attacker.
A fight broke out in midfield, when the Sandshark came out of the ground right beneath
Indra. After a brief struggle Indra read a yellowed scroll, which blew up. Indra died,
bringing both teams down to 10 men. Under the revised rules, if both teams are down the
same number of players, they could bring in the subs. Ulric was brought in to replace
Indra. But was sent off for being under the influence of Elephant Beer. Baal was also sent
off after being brought on to replace The Wight, for zapping Handy down to level 3 with
his Rod of Ruin. Titan and Rue were also both sent off before even getting on the pitch as
they both tried to crush each other. Drawing the first half to a close I was handed
Bulldozer's head by Deva, with a shrug and an innocent smile.
After telling the Druidic members of the home team that
they were not allowed to firewall the goals, the second half kicked off with the score
1-1. With the use of various ents, demons, mirrors and the such, the teams made it up to
25 men against 23 ummm...things.
Annihilating the opposing team, Nasty was sent off along
with the corpses Gabriel, Giliche and Lesser Demon. The Greater Demon returned the favour,
and left with Swingers and Jagox in body bags. Scoring in the 80th minute, with Khelbens
head, the Cacodaemon limped off with a hamstring problem.... Torin had it. The Deva
proceeded to try and retrieve it but unfortunately she accidentally took Torin's whole arm
in the process. For some reason at this point, with the teams down to three a side, Merlyn
and Foxxy didn't move at all. Valjean managed to tackle Satansfist before he got to the
goal. It was a damn shame that Satansfist fell into that trap with a panther at the
bottom. Flesharrower was caught trying to play with one of the many heads he had collected
throughout the years and was sent off for playing with too many balls. With both teams
down to one man each, I blew the final whistle. Coming round in the hospital I was told
that the match finished 147 to 147,
before the remaining players turned and killed each other.
The Drakenwood sports council said that next time they
would hold a chess tournament.
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