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Ask Agrippa - Daily Trumpet Edition 7

Dear Agrippa,
I'm in a terrible situation. I'm married to a Fighter and whilst everything is domestically wonderful his recent incarnation as an artrell is proving somewhat troublesome. Not only is the hard, shiny carapace somewhat unsettling but I find his abundance of limbs deeply troubling. Please help,

A worried Warmage.

Dear Unappreciatative,
His abundance of limbs a problem? Are you out of your mind woman???? I'm pretty sure that ol' Fighter boy could certainly find a few uses for those extra limbs. Most woman would kill to have a husband with a few extra appendages (in fact, most woman would kill to have a Fighter husband), but for some reason you see fit to moan. Listen here missy, get yourself home, make him a good, hearty dinner, doll yourself up and then, only then, he may actually think of staying with you, you unappreciative hag.


Dear Agrippa,
I'm a disillusioned Cleric. I take great pleasure in recalling the days of yore when Clerics walked proud across the land, heads held high, bristilling with divine might. However, as of late our powers seem to have waned. I've tried making others more aware of this fact through frequent communication on the Holy Board but this seems to just attract divine wrath rather than aid. I'm at my wits end. Help!
A Cleric.

Dear Cleric,
Gods are big and mighty and can do whatever they want. Gods hear lots of requests from little people. Gods listen patiently to those requests. When one little person keeps making the same request over and over again Gods start to regret making that little person. When Gods get like this they reach for their thunderbolts and start planning some smiting. Be patient and shut up. Trust me.


Dear Agrippa,
Recently I've found that I prefer the company of animals to that of the so-called Intelligent races. Who do these bipedial supremacists think they are kidding? I know many fine sheep who could quite easily outclass your average Giant or Half-Orc in a contest of wits. Likewise, there are many charming young pigs out there with whom I would love to share an ale with in Lars'. They are certainly far less self centered than most Elves. And as for marriage, well, there's many a well endowed horse out there wh....


I'll cut this short; join the rangers before you get yourself arrested....


A Game of 2 Halves, 5 Legs, 3 arms, and 12 Heads - by Midnight.

Due to the dramatic number of deaths as a result of the monsters of Drakenwood and its surrounding areas, a few of the more active adventurers decided to see if they were as good at football as they are at killing people. The challenge was sent to Soulcrusher, via the Drakenwood sports council. In response, I was assigned to referee the match. On the 12th of Lasbin, the Drakenwood arena was changed into a football pitch and the stands were packed out.

The match began with a bang! That is, the bang of a fireball placed in the home-team's changing room. Luckily no one was harmed in the blast, but this got the Drakenwood Wanderers ready for the kick-off a little bit faster! Landing in a 4-3-4 formation, the Captain of the team had this to say before the match:

"Ahh ummm '*cough* *cough* umm erm that green substance coating my Dracon? Umm ermm ... its a sugar solution... yeh thats what it is... brings me good luck, honest. Poison? Poison! Nonsense.... don't know whatever gave you that idea...."

With a toss of a head, the away team kicked off. Soulcrusher made a quick dash through the defences of the home team and scored the first goal with only 1 minute on the clock. At 5 minutes the Wight made a run for goal, Valjean intercepted with a fantastic sweep...with his Dracon, removing both legs of the attacker. A fight broke out in midfield, when the Sandshark came out of the ground right beneath Indra. After a brief struggle Indra read a yellowed scroll, which blew up. Indra died, bringing both teams down to 10 men. Under the revised rules, if both teams are down the same number of players, they could bring in the subs. Ulric was brought in to replace Indra. But was sent off for being under the influence of Elephant Beer. Baal was also sent off after being brought on to replace The Wight, for zapping Handy down to level 3 with his Rod of Ruin. Titan and Rue were also both sent off before even getting on the pitch as they both tried to crush each other. Drawing the first half to a close I was handed Bulldozer's head by Deva, with a shrug and an innocent smile.

After telling the Druidic members of the home team that they were not allowed to firewall the goals, the second half kicked off with the score 1-1. With the use of various ents, demons, mirrors and the such, the teams made it up to 25 men against 23 ummm...things.

Annihilating the opposing team, Nasty was sent off along with the corpses Gabriel, Giliche and Lesser Demon. The Greater Demon returned the favour, and left with Swingers and Jagox in body bags. Scoring in the 80th minute, with Khelbens head, the Cacodaemon limped off with a hamstring problem.... Torin had it. The Deva proceeded to try and retrieve it but unfortunately she accidentally took Torin's whole arm in the process. For some reason at this point, with the teams down to three a side, Merlyn and Foxxy didn't move at all. Valjean managed to tackle Satansfist before he got to the goal. It was a damn shame that Satansfist fell into that trap with a panther at the bottom. Flesharrower was caught trying to play with one of the many heads he had collected throughout the years and was sent off for playing with too many balls. With both teams down to one man each, I blew the final whistle. Coming round in the hospital I was told that the match finished 147 to 147, before the remaining players turned and killed each other.

The Drakenwood sports council said that next time they would hold a chess tournament.

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